i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
