and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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