I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
