You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
