How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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