I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
