I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
