Soap is not a condiment
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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