Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
