so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Will exercising make me less horny?
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