I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
