We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
