I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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