I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I checked into jail on foursquare
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
