It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
