At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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