i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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