My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
