apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
