I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
