don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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