my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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