I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
