I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize