I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
