you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
