i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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