We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
