You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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