I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
