Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
