I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Someone came in the potted fern
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
