I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
