I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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