New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
