I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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