i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
