So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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