Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
