I showed him my bush... on skype.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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