just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
