Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
