i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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