yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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