I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i now understand why vodka
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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