what if every blade of grass was a penis?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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