Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
