I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize