We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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