I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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