Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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