How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
