im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
