I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
