when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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