all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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