The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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