bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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