There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
