Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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