all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
