Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
